imxherexbutxyouxdontxseexme's Blog

my brother sent me a letter. i am normally not a very sentimental person but reading it made me cry. it sounds like he is trying to change, but i dont know if i should, if i can believe that. what if when he gets out he goes right back to how he was before? I'm not sure how i am supposed to relpy to his letter.

he wrote me an entire front page and the best i can come up with is 8 lines. including a skipped first line. i feel terribley pathetic and inadequite at the moment. I was hoping that writing this would help me come up with something to write to him, but it has not. so i guess that that is all i will say for now.

My brother is in jail and my mom and i got into a fight about writing him the other day. she is making a big deal about me needing to write to him. But i really don't have that much to say to him. I never had that much to say to him while he was out. What am i supposed to say to him? I mean all we ever did was bicker and fight when he was around and everytime he calls he chews me out about this or that. What am i supposed to say? I mean i don't think my mom wants us to start fighting thru' mail now.

But it just makes no sense whatsoever, I didn't actually enjoy talking to him then so why go out of my way to talk to him now? it's just kind of dumb.

All in all any letter i would write to him would be a waste of paper. I tried to write to him but all i could manage was 6 sentences. 6 very very short sentences. anything that needbe said to him from me could be attached to any letter that my mom sends him. because i just wasted an entire piece of paper writing a letter that was 7 lines long (that includes a skipped line between Dear, and first sentence and my signature.) I'm pretty sure i could have fit my entire letter at the end of one of my mom's letters. right?

How do i manage to screw everything up in one day. Give me 24 hours and a lifetime of relationships and its highly possible that a vast majority of them wll be messed up before hour number 25. =+[

My grandparents are mad at me for getting mad at my brother for getting mad at me. (i have never found it enjoyable to listen to someone cuss me out. but they act like i should enjoy it because hes in jail.) I'm not going to listen to it, i didnt listen to it before and im not going to start now.

My mom is mad at me for the very same reason.

My best friend is mad at me for chewing out his girlfriend for starting rumours about me.

My other friend is mad at me because I was gone for two days this week and forgot to tell her.

It feels like one of my friends might be avoiding me, every time i ask her if she wants to come over she is super busy.

The theatre group is mad at me because I got sick of them all sitting around while me and a guy with a hurt shoulder were re-setting the entire stage today after last night's competition.

My algebra teacher is 'highlly disappointed' because i almost failed one of her tests.

And about a trillion other people are mad at me at the moment.

And my computer is making this weird high pitched noise that i can't make go away.

I really just feel like crying right now. =+[

I am so sick of just being everyone's best friend. Just yesterday i made a new friend (this guy that i have had a crush on since i started highschool.lol.) we were at an academic meet and we started hanging out with this other chick from our school and he starts asking me how i think he should go about getting with her.

and today my best-est friend ever asked me how he should go about getting back with his girlfriend.

one of my good friends started asking out like every girl he came across (he is trying desperately to end his virginity. he doesnt want to die a virgin.) but he never asked me, he just kept asking me why all of our friends kept telling him no.

this happens to me on a regular basis.

i just dont understand it!! what is it about me that inspires the words 'best friend' in everyone's mind? ugh!

ok the title about sums it up, its just more ranting from moi. so once again read at your own risk again. or whatever.

well anyways, my brother got arrested last night, like supposedly for a while this time. but everytime i have tried to get on here and post this hes been calling. text his girlfriend and tell her he loves her. then he calls again to ask what she said. then he called again and said he might make bail. then he called again to talk to mom and unfortunately she wasnt home. then he called again and told me to take care of the dogs. and so finally i just gave up on typing this until, but im still waiting for him to call again at any minute. so im typing this super fast and just ignore all the screw ups and all that jazz.lol.

anyways my nana has been crying all day, and when shes not crying shes been chewing me out about watever. like i was trying to open the bag of cereal this morning... it ripped and she started yelling at me then she started crying and i was just like gah!. and my mom said that she wanted to watch tv with me and shes been sitting here on the phone the whole time. (i know that i sound spoiiled rotten, but if your gonna watch tv you prolly shouldnt spend the whole time on the phone true?)

and all anyone has been talking about all day is my brother, my brother this, my brother that. its making me sick. he put this on himself, true? or am i wrong to think that?.

i dont want to seem like im a bad sister or whatever, but honestly my brother did not have that many redeeming qualities. all he ever does is rant and rave and throw temper tantrums like a three year old as a 20 year old. i just got kicked offline because he called again.

but if i hear mention of him one more time, i do not know what im going to do..... it infuriates me. even his name is making me want to throw things.

well i reckon that i am finished ranting for the moment again.

This is just more of my normal rants so read at your own risk i guess.lol.

We got this new kid at school and hes gay. and that is all that anyone can talk about. i have heard so many people make gay jokes lately that i just feel like throwing a fit. and this one guy was like 'well all im trying to say is if the guy tries to cop a feel on me im gonna beat him up.' (the guy that said it wasnt even that good looking. so i doubt that the new kid is going to give him a second glance.) and then the new guy just made a comment in passing that this one guy is cute and his cousin just jumps down the new guys throat and starts yelling at him. (the guy has a friggin boyfriend. and he claims to be in love, so i doubt that he would actually pursue the guy.) and then it seems like everyone that isnt making fun of him is trying to befriend him because hes gay. that is hardly a reason to befriend someone. thats like walking up to someone and saying 'lets be friends because you're straight.' does that make any sense to anyone else? didnt think so.

and then one of my friends (one who is more like a brother to me than a friend.) told me he loved me (like you would say to your sibling.) and i of course not being rude said i loved him too. and his girlfriend threatened to beat me up. (psh.) and so then my friend threatened to break up with her. and blah blah blah. and yadda yadda yadda. and now the little chick has been going around telling everyone that im trying to break them up. (anyone who knows anything about me and him know that we are like siblings. gr!.)

our theatre director has been chewing everyone out lately because everyone hs been missing soooo much school for extra curricular activities and all that jazz. and we havent had time to go all the way through the play since like monday or tuesday.

and to top all of this off.... i have to take the freakin SAT on saturday at freaking 7:45 in the AM. ON A SATURDAY.

ok that is basically the entirety of my rant for now.lol.

I am an incredibly selfish person. Just figured I should share that with the world.

yeah, tis just more ranting. but i'm getting really ticked off at the lack of privacy that we have in the house... its quite insane honestly. i mean just this morning i was trying to change clothes in my room and what happens but my brother barges in without knocking before i could put a shirt on. talk about awkward. no one ever ever ever knocks.... its like its against the rules in this house or something. i think that there must be some memo that i missed out on or something because im seriously the only person that has spent any time here that knocks. currently there are 6 people (basically) staying in this house. so i can understand that there will never be any real honest peace and quiet.... but for a teenage female privacy is very high up there on my priority list. i mean how much worse can it really get.... i have to share my room with my mom, i'm not allowed to put a lock on the door. and no one believes in knocking. when i asked my grandma why she doesnt knock.... she pulled that whole its my house i can do whatever i want thing.  but its getting rediculous.... i've been trying to get back in the habit of going to bed early (obviously its not working because its one minute til three and im still up.) but everytime i turn my lamp off my mom gets up and turns hers on. i cant sleep with the light on, she cant sleep with it off. i cant sleep with the radio off, she  cant sleep with it on. now i used to resolve this by going to the couch. but i cant go there anymore because my brother's friend has taken up residence with us (he got kicked out of his house, and my mom said he could stay here if he helped my brother.) so where does this leave but the washroom, and i would be willing to sleep in there if there was a radio in there but there isnt. now why my mom cant sleep there i cant understand. i mean there is a bed in there and everything.

back to the whole lack of privacy thing tho'... no one knocks before going into the bathroom. take for example the other day, i had just gotten out of the shower and my brother's friend just walks right in. now how humiliating is that. then my brother got mad at me, because i mean its obviously all my fault true? honestly how can one expect to retain any semblance of sanity in this kind of place. dont get me wrong im not complaining about all the people. the people are great until the cease to knock on doors that should be knocked on before entering. i mean really do i have to put signs up on all the doors  saying 'please knock'. i mean its not like anyone would read them or anything but it might make me feel a tad bit better. its quite frustrating.

and back to me complaining about my mom sharing my room with me. she wakes me up every morning before she goes to work. she would lose her head it it wasnt attached to her shoulders. so every morning she wakes me up to ask where her name badge is or where she left the keys or if she can borrow some money or this or that or whatever. and she has even been known to wake me up to fix her breakfast because she cant find things in the kitchen. i mean she's lived here for a couple of years now she should know where things are at.

and everyone has been pampering my brother since he punched that stupid window. but its his own fault. why should he be pampered? im sick of hearing his name be every other word in everyones sentences around here. does he need cigarettes? does he need something to drink? does he need this does he need that? do you know when the last time was when someone asked me if i needed anything from the store?! yeah well neither do i. and people get mad when i get up cranky in the mornings because the first thing they do is ask about him. hes been spoiled his entire life. hes a friggin adult now i think that he can take care of himself at least a little bit true?.  like the other day, i asked my grandma if she would make me a pizza for breakfast, she said that she would. but when i got up the next day and asked for it.... she said that i should eat something else because there was only one pizza left and my brother would want it later, so why didnt i eat some dry cereal. (my brother had the last of the milk with the cake i was supposed to help my grandma make that she got because i specifically asked her if she would get that kind of cake. and then he told me that i needed to stay out of it because it was for him and his friend to eat.) then he took my dogs shampoo (that i paid for with my own money, becuase i needed to give my puppy a bath one day.) and made his friend give his dog a bath. i would have been ok with it if he had asked but he didnt ask. he just came in my room and got it off the shelf.

its so frustrating.

i think that i am done ranting for now tho'.

well. my dear ol' dad is getting remarried. and i just found out about it earlier this week and the wedding is saturday. and im supposed to be in the wedding.lol. oh and i cant tell my mom that hes getting remarried because he thinks that she will try to ruin the wedding if she knows about it.lol. and my soon to be step-mom got mad at me because my purple hair doesnt match her wedding colours. she wanted me to strip the colour out of it, but i told her that that wasnt gonna happen. so needless to say i've been sort of stressed out right?

then last night, my darling brother got mad at his EX girlfriend. they had an argument over the phone, and he threw his phone across the room... and decided that it was a good idea to put his hand thru' a window. (ok it prolly wasnt a concious decision.) so i spent the night in the hospital with him last night, and i am exhausted. the glass cut thru' the main artery and nicked the secondary artery and he severed the nerve completely and cut some tendons and ligaments and stuff, and we wont know for sure whether he will be able to use his hand again or not for about two years. he is prolly gonna have to go to psychical therapy.

and just about a month ago, he went to court and got assigned some community service, about an $8000 fine and like a year of probation. (during this time they can drug test him when ever they dern well feel like...) and what does he do but as soon as he gets home but smoke some.

and he's griping at me because i dont have a job to help mom pay HIS fine. and i dont do enough around the house. (my grandmother is re-doing pretty much everything in the house right now, so of course its a mess. she's re-painting, and rearranging, and basically doing a spring cleaning thing in the middle of summer.) but no... he just comes home from the hospital and starts griping at me because the bathroom smells like paint, and there's a mess in the living room. and on and on and on. (yeah i know that he's in pain and all, but dand it not everything is my fault. i assure you.)

but what really brought on this newest rant was the other day, i went and got my eyebrow pierced again.(big woop right, its just a piercing its removable.) and i was tryng to send my friend a text message to tell her that i had got it done and i accidently clicked on my dads name instead of hers. so he got the message instead of her, and he like royally laid it all on me. he started chewing me out and telling me that i didnt think enough, and that i should think more. and that he cant trust me because for all he knows im gonna go out and get a tattoo on my nose(?) just because it would seem like a fun thing to do at the time. (i mean really does he think that i am so stupid as to get a tattoo on my nose?) and then i, of course, being the teenager that i am, hung up on him. and the he called my mom and told her to tell me to call him back.(lol.) and he told her a bunch of crap about how he didnt mean to yell at me and all that jazz. but what gives him the right to figure now is a good time to tell me what i should or should not do with my life. he left and came back so many times, he was never there. he still doesnt know when my birthday is. and he actually misspelled my name on one of my birthday cards. once he left for about three years and didnt hear a word from him at all until he came home. and then he just let himself in the house and acted like he never even left.

and then my brother.... where to start... he is a complete and total jerk. his own life is screwy enough without him having to butt into mine, but does that bother him in the least? nope he still butts in. take today for example, he had to go to court again again today (for something different than his last court date.lol.) anyways he got some probation he got some community service he got a pile of fines and whatnot. but as if he doesnt have enough going on in his own life to worry about, he called me and told me to call my dad, and he started in on a rant of his own, about how i should think before i do stupid stuff(says the guy who got drunk one night and decided to get a new tattoo that covers half of his back, just on a whim.) so what a perfect time for that teen angst to kick in but then, so what do i do, of course i hung up on him. he called me back and left me a very wonderful voice message. told me that i should call him back or he was gonna do something(something im sure would have been unbearably stupid, but he wouldnt ever do anything to me.lol.) and then he told my mom to tell me to fix his ipod because it doesnt work.lol.and i did actually attempt to fix it, but i cant come to any conclusions as to what is actually wrong with it, so i guess it wont get fixed.... or maybe just maybe he can fix it himself.lol.. wouldnt that be just grand?.lol.

ok i think that i am done... maybe.lol.

gah! it just ticks me off so much, i mean how is it that either one of them figure that they have the right to tell me what to do?...

I have made myself psychically sick of myself. i didnt quite no it was possible. but i suppose that it is. just figured i would let the world know i guess. i thought that i wanted to write about this but i dont(yeah it was a dumb thing of me to even start posting this stupid blog i guess.)

I have had a rather bad last couple of weeks, for some reason i guess that this just seems to have been the opprotune couple of weeks to call me mean things, or quite possibly just point out honest observations, but either way i have been called alot of mean things lately. or at least a lot of things that i completely and totally disagree with. i, for example, have been called stuck-up, snooty, slutty, intimidating, rude, and too rich for my own good. now i dont think that any of this stuff is true but for some reason i cant quit thinking about it. i mean i try to not be anything but nice to anyone, except for people that i generally do not like in the least bit. but complete strangers have called me most of these things. and now most times these kinds of things dont bother me but for som reason this has been bothering me.

thats all i have to rant about right at this moment.

OK just as a general starting statement this one is prolly gonna jump around a bunch but i will keep it as organized as i can without losing what im about to put down(if that makes any sense).

First off, i don't know if this is weird or not but i really want a girlfriend, i mean i'm just kind of craving(i guess is the word) a female to hold me tight, and love me(or shoot at least lust after me.lol.)

and i have been going crazy lately, i think. like i dont know what to do lately, it always feels like stuff is waiting on me. and i kind of had a nervous breakdown the other day. and my mom started telling me that i was doing drugs and acting just like my brother and how i was ruining my life.

              isnt it just so great the way parents always tell you what you  are or are not doing. like my mom just tells me that im doing drugs, even tho' i know better than anyone else that i am most certainly not. and my mom should know that as she considers herself my best friend, she should know that i adamantly refuse drugs and alcohol.

am i so horrible that no one but those that must can love me? i mean everyone has been totally blowing me off lately. and i mean i know that i have been talking less than usual (which isnt much to begin with) but is that really reason enough to totally ignore me when i do speak. or have i just completley lost my mind already, am i possibly just making this seem more dramatic than it is. and now it almost would seem that when i make a statement someone is always standing there to correct me... i mean, we just got anew spanish teacher not to long ago, and she was passing out papers and when she gave me mine back she had put a y and the end of my name and scribbled out the i.... i mean really i do believe that i am old enough to spell my own name.

the other day my brother got mad at me because i am according to him trianing my dog wrong. just because it wouldnt come to him when he wistled(i have trained him to come to me when i snap). and when he didnt come my brother got mad and threw a temper tantrum, that was totally uncalled for.

then my mom had the gall to tell me that i needed to get a job, because all i was doing was wasting gas money going back and forth to school everyday and not contributing anything. ugh! that nerve.

oh and one of my "best friends" had the guts to tell me the other day that she can see me ending up in a mental institute one day.... i mean i know that i have some prolems but dang what gives? is that really something that 'friends' tell each other, cause i guessed i missed that memo.

and have you ever realized how diirty pop songs from the 90's are, i mean really i found an Aaron Carter cd the other day and golly gee, is the stuff he says even legal for young children to listen to?!.lol.. its kinda crazy.

Court Dates and Thirteen Fridays.

I watch from the back as

he is taken away,

there is nothing left for anyone to say;

The unfied mind has been made up

and it has been decided that he will pay up.

Welp tomorrow, my brother is going to court. A while back he got caught with enough drugs that he got charged with 'intent to sell' and if his trial goes badly he could end up in prison, which (not trying to be negative but) he probably will. I mean scales don't lie do they? if he had over like 16oz or something like that(which he did) he's gonna go to prison for a bit.... witch is gonna suck.... a bunch.

I dont know it just seems that there is some signifigance that the date of the trial is Friday 13th I mean, everyone is more frightened of that day than almost any other day of the year.....

I am not going to go the trial as he doesn't want too many people there, but I hope that every thing goes well....

Tomorrow is going to be one of those days when I am glad that I have stoner friends... (Ironic huh?.lol.)

<edit>

Well court was released today, so my brother has to go back again in March, becuase they didn't come to a decision today, i guess.... I'm not positively sure what exactly happened today, but I do know for sure that he has to go back again in March.... so yeah....

man it has been one long friday..... i have been arguing with people all day.... ok arguing is so totally the wrong word... i've been fighting with people all day, about stupid things.......

like one of my friends totally wouldnt leave me alone at lunch today because, she thinks that i dont eat enough.... and i just like exploded on her and told her that i would be skinny if i didnt eat enough

(( i've been fighting a losing battle it seems like with my weight and its been a really.. sensitive subjet for me lately....))

then she totally started crying because shes "been having a hard time with her boyfriend".... they'vebeen dating for like two weeks.lol.... there is nothing there to have a hard time about.lol.....

and i've been having bunches of mood swings, like drastic ones, lately, my mommy called the doc and the doc told her that the weather might be effecting my moods a little bit because it has been changing so drastically.lol......

then me and my brother got into a really bad fight because he had some cds that got stolen and because i have copies of those cds he thinks that i should "forfit" them to him because they were his before they were mine.lol.....

and then my mom and my dad got into this argument tonight, and my grandma is going to defend my mom and say mydad is in the wrong, but in all actuallity i know that it more likely than not was my moms fault because she picks fights for the fund of it, especially with my dad...

and i'm getting sick again, even tho' i wasnt completely better yet........

so in short, i think that all of my fakey friends are pretty POed at me right now, everyone in my family but my dad is pretty POed at me right now, I'm sick, and i have no control once so ever of my moods tonight, and i am completely and totally overweight......

so how was your day?.lol.....

I don't know how I did it but......

according to everyone I have asked it would appear that I broke my thumb....the only thing is, is that I broke in my sleep....=+/

yeah confused me too, gotsta go to the doc tomorrow and see what they say....it might just be like dislocated or something...or it could actually be broken.lol.

I'm not really sure how I managed to do this and it really struck me as quite odd that I didn't realize it until I woke up and noticed that it was bruised and pretty swollen.lol.

My doc. wants me to so see another shrink, cause she think that i have some problems. like mental problems, like people-take-meds-to-make-them-better kind of problems. here is a list of things that the doc thinks could possibly be wrong with me, some of which she isnt certain of however because they could very well be dormant or not developed to a noticible stage yet.....

1) bi-polar syndrome

2)O.C.D.

3)ADD. or ADHD.

4)Depression

5) Paranoia....something she says that could get worse over time.

6) Insomnia

7) and there was something else that i cant remember at the moment.

alright i think that that was all. but really wouldnt have someone noticed by now that im quite possibly absolutely insane?

oh yeah and to top off this wonderful meeting with the doc. cancer and diabetes run in my family, as does alcoholism. so i cant even get drunk with out ending up screwed for the rest of my life cause i might become dependent!.

oh but i did get to go see Twilight today....i guess that that was supposed to make it all better. true?